Sunday, 2 January 2011

No Kiss Blogfest

Today is Frankie’s No Kiss Blogfest! For anybody who isn’t participating, the task is to create a scene or take one from a WIP in which two characters almost kiss.

This is a scene taken from my side project, called Resisting Alice. Alice is my MC in the Resistance series and Elliot is her boyfriend. The twist on the side project is that instead of it being Alice’s point of view on the events in Resisting Wonderland, it is from Elliot’s perspective.

For context, Alice has just discovered somebody in a place she never expected them to be and is panicking in a corridor of a company they’ve snuck into. I’ve taken out a few sentences from the original scene so there aren’t any spoilers.

I hope you enjoy it, and feel free to crit! Any advice or words about the scene are welcome.


I watched her slide to the ground, worrying about how pale her skin had become in the dim shadow of the corridor. Throwing away any act we had upheld in front of the cameras, I crouched next to her, holding her face near mine so I could try to comfort her.

Her pupils were too wide and her breaths were sharp.

Panic flashed in her eyes, and I did my best to stop it in its tracks. “Alice?”

“How could he do this to me?” she said quietly, already close to tears.

I wasn’t close enough.

I leaned in so we were close enough to kiss, knowing it was the only chance I had to get through to her. She needed reassurance. I didn’t care about danger – all I cared about was Alice.

Whispering so her shuddering breath mingled with my steady one, I said, “He’s protecting you. He still cares about you. Why would he try so hard to convince you if he didn’t? Don’t doubt him yet.”

Her glittering blue eyes closed in weariness. “I can’t believe he’s here. I never thought . . . I wanted to clear his name; I didn’t plan to find him working for them.”

She acted as if it was her fault she’d found him here. Alice was doing what she did best – blaming herself for things she couldn’t possibly control.

“You couldn’t know. He’s alive, isn’t that worth something? You haven’t lost everything. He may be here, but he’s alive, if nothing else. You have two chances in one, to find out the truth and to clear his name. Try to understand.”

“It’s so hard.”

I gave a small smile at the thought of Alice ever giving up on something because it was too hard. From that sentiment, I knew she would try, and that my words were getting through to her. She wouldn’t admit she was struggling unless she planned to combat it. Alice didn’t quit. She didn’t give up. It was a motivation which drove me to insane lengths for her, simply because she deserved nothing less.

“I know it is. All I ask is for you to try. I don’t want to see you walk away from him and regret it for the rest of your life.”

She opened her eyes slightly and drew closer to me. The tears I’d seen earlier glimmering in her eyes had vanished.

This was the only comfort I couldn’t offer her.

I was too aware of time; I was too aware of surveillance; I was too aware that to kiss her here would be almost cruel.

I remembered every kiss we had ever shared. I didn’t want to remember this one and know it stemmed from fear and panic.

I gently traced my fingers across her cheek, catching tears I hadn’t let her shed. “Not here. I don’t want to something so beautiful here. When we escape this place, I promise.”

The door slammed in the corridor. Nicholas had left the office, and we needed to be at the glass door before he was.

I pulled Alice up. Although she didn’t want to, she dropped my hand when we entered the corridor, walking away from her panic and embracing the chance I had told her to take. She wouldn’t regret it.


  1. It is sad but sweet at the same time. Bittersweet. What is so bad what him working for them? Who is them?

  2. Sonia: I'm pleased you said that, because I was worried the scene leaned too much towards being soft and gentle without properly acknowledging that there was sadness behind it as well.

    They're investigating a company which they know played a role in a nuclear power plant explosion which broke down society. Alice is reacting the way she is because the person they discovered working for the company was one of the only people she trusted before the explosion, and she never thought he would be associated with something which killed so many people.

    It's dystopian YA with scientific themes. I know I haven't given much away here, but I'm glad the scene can stand well on its own!

  3. I saw a few places that seemed a bit wordy to me (like "how pale her skin had become in the dim shadow..." could've been "how pale her skin looked in the dim shadow..."). I would cut down on the use of "were" just so you can replace it with stronger verbs.

    I loved the introspection and the sweetness in his intentions. I liked how he WANTED to kiss her, but also didn't want to. Totally different than I was expecting :)

    I'm so interested to know who this alive person is!

  4. I really enjoyed this. The fact that he wanted to kiss her but didn't was lovely. The scene was touching but sad that the same time.

    The only problem I had is that I couldn't quite connect to the characters and I really wanted to!

    It's really good, though. :)

  5. Jessica: Yeah, I need to edit it fully. But it's at the bottom of my editing pile for now, seeing as it's the most recent thing I've written. Still, I thought the scene was perfect for the blogfest! I'll definitely remember those when I go back and edit it.

    I'm really glad you liked that! I think it's good to hear the real intentions behind it, instead of only the dialogue which you get in Alice's POV. It really shows his character.

    There were so many little lines I had to cut out to stop it from spoling the plot! But I'm thankful that the interest is there - that means I'm doing something right! Thanks for the comments and crits, Jessica.

    Devin: That was just what I was going for; I wasn't quite sure if I'd hit it enough, but at least I know that was only me being overly critical.

    I know what you mean, it's such a short scene, it's harder to build up the sense of character, especially as it's taken from the context of an entire novel instead of just one scene. But that's something to work on for next time!

    Thanks for the advice, Devin! :)

  6. Sad but sweet. I'm intrigued now how the story compares to Alice in Wonderland. I agree with Jessica though that some sentences could do with a little tightening up, but you've got a pretty good story here!

  7. This was such an emotion packed scene. I really liked the softness to it. Wished there was more to read... =)
    Edge of Your Seat Romance

  8. I agree with Raquel. There was a ton of emotions going on here- I liked how he talked to her and their interactions. Nice job.

  9. I love how caring Eliott is. That comes through even though you've dropped us in mid-story and removed spoilers. There's poignancy in this.

  10. This was a very emotional sweet one! Nicely done!!

  11. Definitely bittersweet. She really seems to be struggling and it sounds like he's doing everything he can to help her work through it. I love his reasoning for not wanting to kiss her there, too.

  12. I guess it's a mark of good writing that you can extract a short passage and a fresh reader can have a real sense of character and involvement. (I connected just fine!) Sad, poignant, engaging. What more could we want?

    :Dom (My No Kiss)

  13. This is so different from the rest of what I've raed, and I love the way you did the no kiss bit. The characters are fascinating and I felt for both of them. Great read ^_^

  14. How bittersweet. This was really well done. I'm curious to know how it relates to Alice in Wonderland. I love Alice so I always give "inspired by" stories a chance!

  15. All commenters: Thank you so much for your feedback! It means a lot to hear your opinions about the scene and what I did well, as well as what I need to work on.

    J.C. Martin: It's a dystopian Wonderland in real life. A new twist on the idea with my own characters, and their own struggles in the completely different world, which was torn apart by a nuclear disaster. Yes, I agree this still needs quite a bit of editing to do.

    Raquel: I wished I could post so much more, but I knew I had to keep it short. Your enthusiasm to see more gives me hope!

    Kelly: I'm glad you said about the interactions, I was worried the emotion wouldn't get through between the characters.

    Tricia: I'm relieved Elliot's character came across, as that was what I really wanted to work on, especially with it being my first attempt at writing from a male perspective.

    Frankie: I'm glad you liked it. Thanks so much for hosting the blogfest and giving me an oppurtunity to show my work.

    Amalia: That was another thing I wanted to bring across - Alice's struggle compared to Elliot's reassurance. I thought it was one of the best scenes to show the relationship between the characters, and how over the novel Alice has come to rely on Elliot, when she tried not in the beginning. I'm thrilled that the reasoning worked out, I was concerned it wouldn't work.

    Loralie: I'm pleased my scene stood out for you! I love that you could like both Elliot and Alice, even with Elliot being the dominant voice in the scene.

    Melissa: Like I said to J.C. Martin, it's a dystopian Wonderland, set in a world broken by a nuclear disaster. The series is about my Alice trying to get past all these problems in her Wonderland, and reach a place where she's finally happy in herself.